I've been in upwards of five plays, so I really think every human being with access to the internet can benefit from my experience. Whether you're getting ready for your first audition or you're a goddamn professional like Sir Patrick Stewart, these tips will help you with your dream role.
1. If the part requires you to wear clown make-up (it probably will!) try to get your teeth whitened in advance. All the white grease paint really brings out the yellow in your choppers.
2. Acting is reacting. When you overhear the rest of the cast calling you "entitled" and "bitch" and "untalented at everything but fucking directors" don't waste those emotions on your real life; save those tears for the stage!
3. Use painful childhood memories to inform your performance. Then use prescription painkillers to block them the rest of the time. It's a flawless system!.
4. Or if you don't want to go method, use what I call the Downey technique. Just imagine what Robert Downey, Jr. would do, then do that. Who wouldn't want to see Hedda Gabler played as a charming rogue?
5. Don't be afraid to do nudity for a good part. Also, don't be afraid of sharks-the odds of an attack are just too low.
6. If you're doing Shakespeare, you don't have to get showy. Remember, the words are doing the heavy lifting for you. But for all other writers really ham it up. Especially Neil LaBute-if the audience still likes you, you're not doing it right!
7. Cultivate an off-putting public persona. This lets people know you're a "real" "artist" with "ideas." (I don't have to point out this is a Shia LaBeouf joke do I? Everyone except him will pick up on that immediately, right?)
8. Cut a hole in the mouth of your headshot. That way casting directors can hold it up to their face and say mocking things through it. It makes you memorable, and they appreciate not having to go to the trouble of doing it themselves.
9. Don't confuse your stage name and the name you do porn under. No one's going to cast "Ivana Giveabeej" in the live action Cinderella movie.
10. Go back and study the greats. It will make your performance unique compared to contemporary actors. Katherine Hepburn didn't create the quirky rom-com leading woman in Bringing Up Baby so Kate Hudson could fall down a few times and call it "comic timing."
And that covers acting. All of it. If you can't make it after this, you should have been listening to your parents all along and gone to nursing school.
