This Saturday, August the 31st in the year of our lord 2013 is my 31st birthday. There will be pizza, cake, and a pony! The cake will be of the urinal variety when I drunkenly enter the men's bathroom at a bar by mistake, and then I will throw up pizza onto the pony or "police horse" outside of said bar.
On to the most important part of any birthday: presents! Presents are, by far, the best reason to be born and continue living. In ancient times, gifts of grain and goat semen were given to a woman on her 31st birthday to promote continued fertility since she only had a few childbearing years left, and most likely, she'd be dead before those were over! By the time of the European Renaissance, the 31st birthday of a married woman was celebrated with the new delicacy of chocolate...which was turned into a potent enema for cleansing and continued fertility. Always with the fertility. The 31st birthday of an unmarried woman was celebrated by slaughtering a calf and allowing five minutes in a room with a man unattended, but with the door open. Just kidding, that's silly. Nothing about an unmarried woman was celebrated. In early 20th century America, women celebrated their 31st birthday by not dying in a factory fire. By the 1940s, women were allowed to celebrate with a sip of a gin and a hand job for a G.I.
So Derek's been asking me what I want for my 31st birthday. I always have a really hard time coming up with things I want, so this year I'm making a real effort to give him some direction. Check out my list so far:
1. A cane with a sword in it
2. A two person horse costume
3. A working replica of the robot girl from Small Wonder (I realize it was just an actress on the show; you cannot convince me the Japanese aren't already working on this technology.)
4. A vibrator that gives compliments
5. A copy of The Martian Chronicles autographed by the ghost of Ray Bradbury. None of this, "I bought it on Ebay" crap.
6. Prince to look at me and wink
7. Sky diving lessons...for the Koch brothers. I like those odds, and you can't buy gravity.
8. He has to watch TV with my all day and say how ugly all the actresses are. Also, they're all probably dumb.
9. A ride on an elephant. That's not a euphemism; I really just think it would be cool.
10. Bail money for throwing up on a "police horse"
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Movie Date
I am not single. I'm not married. I'm a straight lady with a boyfriend, and we've been together for six and a half years. I add the "and a half" so you understand the general maturity level involved in this relationship.
I complain to my boyfriend, let's call him Ramon because it sounds kind of hot, and duh, The Ramones, that we only go to movie theaters to see sci-fi action movies. Most of the time I want to see these movies, but sometimes I'd really rather not. On the rather not scale, I'm way ahead (Prometheus, Elysium), and only have to admit I was wrong about Pacific Rim, which turned out to be really fun. I tell him I want to go see an independent film, a grown-up movie. Not the movie Grown-ups. Just...no.
However, it seems like almost every independent film made about people around our age-characters I want to relate to-is about them cheating on each other and/or breaking up. They're the artistic couple in their late twenties (early thirties), who have been together so long, but they haven't gotten married yet for some neurotic or whimsical reason. I'm sure there's one being filmed on a Brooklyn sidewalk right now.
And as the "action" happens onscreen, Ramon and I either get more and more uncomfortable watching people with lives so similar to ours, who are invariably too physically attractive to actually live those lives in the real world, giving into temptation and betraying each other, or we just get angry. If you are or about to start cheating on the person you've been in a relationship with for several years, and you wonder if you should break up, the answer is yes. Very obviously yes. If I have to explain why, then you should break up right now. Pack a bag, leave Becky a note, and go. Unless you can get them to agree to some kind of hot open relationship situation, which...what? Ramon says no.
I wanted the great summer compromise film to be The Grandmaster. It's a stylistic martial arts film so it's a genre we can both appreciate, and it's Chinese, not American, thank-fucking-god, so it's guaranteed Zack fucking Snyder is not involved. I cannot overstate how important that is to me for a film right now. NO...ZACK...SNYDER...INVOLVEMENT...ALLOWED...
And it's directed by Wong Kar Wai. That'll get the independent film boner back up. And it stars Tony Leung and Ziyi Zhang, my favorite Chinese actors. Yes, I have favorite Chinese actors, and I've seen lots of their movies, and I'm a fantastically well rounded person. However, The Grandmaster, isn't playing within a 30 minute drive for the next few weeks.
And now of course, The Ramones.
I complain to my boyfriend, let's call him Ramon because it sounds kind of hot, and duh, The Ramones, that we only go to movie theaters to see sci-fi action movies. Most of the time I want to see these movies, but sometimes I'd really rather not. On the rather not scale, I'm way ahead (Prometheus, Elysium), and only have to admit I was wrong about Pacific Rim, which turned out to be really fun. I tell him I want to go see an independent film, a grown-up movie. Not the movie Grown-ups. Just...no.
However, it seems like almost every independent film made about people around our age-characters I want to relate to-is about them cheating on each other and/or breaking up. They're the artistic couple in their late twenties (early thirties), who have been together so long, but they haven't gotten married yet for some neurotic or whimsical reason. I'm sure there's one being filmed on a Brooklyn sidewalk right now.
And as the "action" happens onscreen, Ramon and I either get more and more uncomfortable watching people with lives so similar to ours, who are invariably too physically attractive to actually live those lives in the real world, giving into temptation and betraying each other, or we just get angry. If you are or about to start cheating on the person you've been in a relationship with for several years, and you wonder if you should break up, the answer is yes. Very obviously yes. If I have to explain why, then you should break up right now. Pack a bag, leave Becky a note, and go. Unless you can get them to agree to some kind of hot open relationship situation, which...what? Ramon says no.
I wanted the great summer compromise film to be The Grandmaster. It's a stylistic martial arts film so it's a genre we can both appreciate, and it's Chinese, not American, thank-fucking-god, so it's guaranteed Zack fucking Snyder is not involved. I cannot overstate how important that is to me for a film right now. NO...ZACK...SNYDER...INVOLVEMENT...ALLOWED...
And it's directed by Wong Kar Wai. That'll get the independent film boner back up. And it stars Tony Leung and Ziyi Zhang, my favorite Chinese actors. Yes, I have favorite Chinese actors, and I've seen lots of their movies, and I'm a fantastically well rounded person. However, The Grandmaster, isn't playing within a 30 minute drive for the next few weeks.
And now of course, The Ramones.
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