Has it been 31 years since 1982 already?

This Saturday, August the 31st in the year of our lord 2013 is my 31st birthday. There will be pizza, cake, and a pony! The cake will be of the urinal variety when I drunkenly enter the men's bathroom at a bar by mistake, and then I will throw up pizza onto the pony or "police horse" outside of said bar.

On to the most important part of any birthday: presents! Presents are, by far, the best reason to be born and continue living. In ancient times, gifts of grain and goat semen were given to a woman on her 31st birthday to promote continued fertility since she only had a few childbearing years left, and most likely, she'd  be dead before those were over! By the time of the European Renaissance, the 31st birthday of a married woman was celebrated with the new delicacy of chocolate...which was turned into a potent enema for cleansing and continued fertility. Always with the fertility. The 31st birthday of an unmarried woman was celebrated by slaughtering a calf and allowing five minutes in a room with a man unattended, but with the door open. Just kidding, that's silly. Nothing about an unmarried woman was celebrated. In early 20th century America, women celebrated their 31st birthday by not dying in a factory fire. By the 1940s, women were allowed to celebrate with a sip of a gin and a hand job for a G.I.

So Derek's been asking me what I want for my 31st birthday. I always have a really hard time coming up with things I want, so this year I'm making a real effort to give him some direction. Check out my list so far:

1. A cane with a sword in it
2. A two person horse costume
3. A working replica of the robot girl from Small Wonder (I realize it was just an actress on the show; you cannot convince me the Japanese aren't already working on this technology.)
4. A vibrator that gives compliments
5. A copy of The Martian Chronicles autographed by the ghost of Ray Bradbury. None of this, "I bought it on Ebay" crap.
6. Prince to look at me and wink
7. Sky diving lessons...for the Koch brothers. I like those odds, and you can't buy gravity.
8. He has to watch TV with my all day and say how ugly all the actresses are. Also, they're all probably dumb.
9. A ride on an elephant. That's not a euphemism; I really just think it would be cool.
10. Bail money for throwing up on a "police horse"